Boating in the Checkout Lane
it just me or are the boating magazines spreading
too much maleonaise onto their covers?
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love boating magazines. I
love them all. But, on this man-woman issue, this
woman's antennae went up the other day as my grocery
cart rolled past the magazine racks.
took note of the boating magazines on display.
Covers broadcast manly things like “ “Rev It Up,
Prop it Up, Beat ‘em Up,” “Boost Your Horsepower,”
Two-Stroke Mano-a-Mano,” and “Macho Marine
Electronics – Technology for Real Men.” I kept on
When I got into the checkout lane I noticed that in
this valuable wait-your-turn aisle there were no
boating magazines. None. However, there were three
rows of women’s magazines. Hmmm. I couldn’t help but
notice the difference in the covers.
O – The Oprah Magazine offered an appealing
invitation in a how-to piece headlined, “Let’s
The come-on from Marie Claire was “Strong.
Confident. Sexy. Be a Triple Threat.”
The only text on the cover of Martha Stewart’s
Living was, compellingly, “Martha’s New
wow, I thought, boating magazines should go to
school on the publications displayed in the checkout
lanes of the world. Now, I’m not a media expert but
I do know a bit about boating and I have strong
credentials in the female gender category. I really
think I could help these testaments to testosterone.
What the world needs now are boating magazines with
more female hormones in the headline-writing
department. Just think of the sales opportunity
here -- boating magazines that appeal to both sexes.
With a few little tweaks in their cover blurbs,
millions of women will be motivated to buy boating
magazines while they also shop for lettuce and
Lubriderm. I see a spike in boat sales, too. (You
did know, didn’t you, that we women spend most of
the money and veto or approve all male spending?)
Introduce a little femaleness into the cover-design
department and, it seems to me, boating magazines
will motivate women of the boating persuasion (and
even some who are not) to pull out the plastic.
For example, instead of a headline like Father and
Son Cruise Alaska” we might see “10 Great Mother -
Daughter Cruises.” And, instead of “10 Big & Bad
Deckboats” we might see “10 Plush Vessels from
Xanadu.” Rather than an invitation to learn about
“Bottom Paint Basics” we would look forward to
reading more about “Martha Stewart’s Galley.”
Then, lightning struck. POW. The. Big. Idea. A new
I’m calling it….ta da…CosmoShip. The cover
slogan will be, “The Spice Your Life at Sea
This magazine is going to be hot. The grocery stores
won’t put this publication in the newsstand rack
with the other mostly-male boating magazines. No
way. This one will go in the most prestigious
selling space in the history of the world -- the
supermarket checkout lane.
And, why not? It will feature starlets, super
models and cover blurbs as tantalizing as any you’ll
see on the cover of Cosmo, Marie Claire
a matter of fact, I’ve been studying the headlines
for women’s magazines and I think I’ve hit on some
cover blurbs for the next new star in the media
Engine Room Romance – Get Closer to Your Man and
Feng Shui Afloat – Let harmony steer your vessel
Tea Time Anchorages – Reward yourself with this
Bridge Tenderness – Soothing words for needy
Sensuality at Sea – Romance on the Waves. A True
Gratification in the Galley -- Is the U-Shape for
Dating on Deck – Find your soul mate at a marina
Marina Magic – I fell in love with my dock master
One Pot Meals – How to spice up dinner …and after
another subject, is it just me or are the lines in
the checkout lanes moving slower these days?